Adding a sibling isn’t always easy

Posted in Siblings
by Alicia Castelli

Our first son, Ryan, was the absolute center of our lives for the first three and a half years of his life. Then I had to go and have another baby – another boy we named Ethan.

We researched how to prepare a child for a new baby and we followed all the guidelines. We talked about the baby often, Ryan would talk to my ever-expanding belly on a daily basis, and we let him help pick things out for the baby.

We also needed more room, so one month before I was to deliver, we moved into our first home. That was very upsetting for Ryan because his best friends had lived right next door and he was constantly insisting we move back to the old house we’d been renting. We had his friends over often, took him back to the old neighborhood to play and were pleased when he finally seemed to accept our new domicile.

We were equally pleased that he talked about the impending baby often and seemed very excited about meeting Ethan. Our main concern at this point was teaching Ryan to fall asleep on his own in his own bed. He was used three and a half years of co-sleeping and having Mommy sing him to sleep. It seemed like a lot of changes in a short period of time for a 3-year-old, but Ryan seemed fine.

Then Ethan went from a concept to a reality.

He arrived in late May, and Ryan was very curious about his new brother. He often asked to hold him and frequently wanted to help me take care of the baby. He seemed to learn quickly that he had to be very gentle with Ethan and didn’t put up too much of a fuss about being shushed when the baby was sleeping.

After a few weeks, I was so pleased that Ryan had adjusted so quickly to the new addition.

 Then the regression we had read about started.

Potty training ground to a halt and thumb-sucking started for the first time in his life. Ryan constantly went around pretending to be a “teeny, tiny baby.” Clearly, he was not getting enough attention, so I tried to remedy that. Ethan slept a lot ,so I had chunks of time to devote to Ryan.

I thought this was helping until one day I was on the phone and noticed that Ryan was trying to pull Ethan (asleep in a bouncy seat) toward the oven where dinner was cooking.

“What are you doing, honey?” I asked.

“Ethan’s cold, Mommy,” Ryan said with total sincerity.

I got off the phone and had a little chat about the stove with Ryan.

Incident No. 2 came a few days later while I was showering. Ethan was happy in his bouncy seat and Ryan was playing in his room. I heard a noise in the bathroom and looked out to see Ryan dragging the bouncy seat toward the baby gate at the top of the stairs.

“What are you doing, honey?” I asked.

“Ethan wants to go downstairs with me,” Ryan said, again with total sincerity.

I got out of the shower and had a little chat with Ryan about stairs.

Then the poking and face squeezing began. I couldn’t leave Ryan in a room with the baby or even turn my back on the baby for 2 seconds because if I did, Ryan would try to poke him in the eye. Ethan’s eyes were blue like Mommy’s, while Ryan had Daddy’s brown eyes. Hmmmm.

Recently Ryan confessed that he’d hoped Ethan would be a girl. He was also mad about the loss of attention from his parents with the advent of each successive child. As a result, I created “Mommy and Ryan” nights. For good behavior, Ryan gets to stay up one extra hour with me on the weekend, and he gets to pick the activity. He still tries to beat on his brother every chance he gets, but at least now Ethan can defend himself. And by that I mean run screaming to me for retribution.

There’s no easy answer to sibling jealousy. Creativity helps, as does listening to the “usurped” older child. Still – suggestions welcome.