Being a parent — the highs and the lows

Posted in New Moms
by Alicia Castelli

The surreal, almost elemental love I felt for my son made all of his foibles worthwhile, if occasionally irritating.

The rose-colored glasses were permanently off, however, and I found I did not miss them. The gritty reality of parenting made me realize that the joy of parenting is born out of its trials and tribulations.

My parents, however, took an evil delight in certain aspects of my enlightenment. Stories of my own clinginess as a baby, as well as my own screaming fits if my mother left the room circulated at family gatherings as I sat glassy-eyed, content just to be sitting for a few moments as grandma or grandpa entertained Ryan.

“He’s such an angel!” the grandparents exclaimed, believing my stories of his constant need for my presence and his fussiness were horrible lies. My husband and I just exchanged looks and sunk even deeper into the heretofore unappreciated pleasure of immobility.

Offsetting our growing disgruntlement toward our own parents was the realization that our son was leaps and bounds smarter than other babies his age. Ryan could communicate with sign language at 10 months old, used recognizable words at 13 months old, and began talking in two- and three-word sentences at 16 months.

We ignored the patronizing looks that accused us of bias and reveled in Ryan’s intellect. Until he learned to say “no.” Apparently the terrible 2’s begin at about 18 months — When EVERYTHING seems to become a battle of wills.

Ryan quickly learned the boundaries we set for him, and just as quickly began testing them on a daily basis. All the books that cautioned against using the word “no” too often and creating a negative environment went out the window. Firm and consistent enforcing of rules became the sole activity of my days. Someone said to me that parents spend the first few years of a child’s life just trying to keep them from killing themselves. This could not be more true, but it requires the regular use of the word “no.”

A thorough baby-proofing session eliminated some of the “no’s” in our house, but Ryan still managed to find ways to bring the word hurtling from our lips. And he looked so – what shall we say, pleased? — with himself whenever he did it. We were not reveling quite so much in his superior intellect anymore.

If we said “Don’t touch,” he would pick up a toy and touch the forbidden object with said toy, all the while looking at us with this little smile as if to say “I’m not touching it, my toy is touching it.”

The lessons parents learn are not always from mistakes, however. I once took advantage of Ryan’s toy-touching antics to turn the tables on him.

I was tickling him mercilessly while he screamed with laughter.

“Mommy no tickle!” he begged. I stopped and spotted his favorite stuffed animal

— a green bunny — next to him. I gripped a paw in each hand and slanted a look at him out of the corner of my eye. He began shrieking and laughing even before I began my attack. “Mommy isn’t tickling you,” I claimed during the onslaught. “Bunny is tickling you!” Ah, sweet revenge.

It dawned on me then that the sound of Ryan shrieking in laughter has long since replaced his shrieks during bouts with colic.

He is challenging, stubborn, willful and often defiant, but he is also vivacious, loving, happy, boundlessly curious and secure in his world. Even on the worst days when I feel like all I have done is struggle to remain in control, there are moments when he sits quietly on my lap for a story, or he gives me a spontaneous hug, or his face lights up when I’ve returned home after running some errand and all is forgiven.

And at the end of the day — when the latest battle to get him to sleep was over and he was warm and limp in my arms — I realized the war was already won and I was the victor for the simple reason that this amazing little boy was in my life.

I would gaze down at his peaceful little face and feel his sweet puffs of breath on my cheek and I was undone. Then of course, he turned 3…