Next topic – Beyond the big talk

Posted in 21st century parent
by besttech

By Debra W. Haffner

The following is an excerpt from “What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs To Know,” by Debra W. Haffner (copyright 2008 by Debra W. Haffner). Reprinted by permission from Newmarket Press, www.newmarketpress.com.

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BEYOND THE BIG TALK

Concern, even alarm over our teens’ sexual behavior is not new. In the 1950s, parents worried about the influence of Elvis Presley and Little Richard shaking their hips on national television. Our parents worried about rock music and the influence of the sexual revolution. In fact, the greatest increase in the proportion of teens having sex was between 1971 and 1979, when many of today’s parents were teenagers. It may surprise you that there has been a steady decline in the percentage of teens having sexual intercourse for the past fifteen years.

Parenting style can make a big difference in teenagers’ sexual decisions. In homes where parents talk to their teens about their values about sexuality and have regular discussions about sexuality, their children are more likely to delay having sexual intercourse. Here are some tips:

1. Start educating about sexuality early.

It’s critical for parents to talk to their children and teens about sexuality, including contraception and the use of condoms to prevent sexually transmitted diseases before they’re confronted with these situations—which may be sooner than you think.

2. Communicate your values.

Not surprisingly, how you parent around sexuality issues and how you communicate your values about sex to your children make a difference. A study of more than twelve thousand teenagers from around the country found that in homes where parents give their preteen and teenage children clear messages that indicate that they disapprove of teenagers having intercourse, the children are more likely to postpone their first intercourse and to have fewer partners than teens who have not had those types of explicit discussions.

3. Set limits for dating.

Make sure your child picks age-appropriate partners. Girls who date boys more than two years or two grade levels above them are thought to be much more likely to engage in sexual intercourse and in unprotected sex. Communicate your values that you do not want them to begin sexual intercourse, but tell them if they do, they must protect themselves. According to many studies, teens who receive both messages are more likely to delay their first intercourse and then to protect themselves.

4. Supervise and monitor.

It should not surprise anyone that when teenagers are allowed to entertain their partners in their bedrooms with the doors closed, or go to unchaperoned parties, they are more likely to experiment with sexual behaviors. Teens know that time alone in the family room is likely to be interrupted by other family members, so most curtail what they will do sexually.

5. Keep talking and then talk some more.

It is important to talk about a broad range of sexuality issues with your tweens and teenagers and to keep the dialogue open. Parents are sometimes afraid of talking about sex with their children for fear that it will make their children more likely to have sex or that talking about abstinence while bringing up birth control and condoms sends a double message. There is not a single research study that has found that adult-child communication about sexuality, whether it is from parents or teachers, causes teens to have sexual intercourse at earlier ages. In fact, just the opposite is true.

6. Guide their decision making about sex.

Some of the most important things you can talk with your preteen and teenager about are how people know when they are ready to have sexual intercourse of any kind and how to set and maintain sexual limits. Most parents have told their children to say no, but not when they might say yes or which behaviors parents might find developmentally appropriate. Take a moment and think what you want to convey about the morality of premarital intercourse. What every 2lst-century parent needs to know is that talking with our children about sexuality helps them make healthy and moral decisions.

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For more 21st-Century Parent advice and information, visit www.21stCenturyParent.com

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(c) 2008, Debra W. Haffner.

Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.

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