Mother needs time-outs, too

Posted in Mom Stuff
by besttech

Susan Callahan, Anne Nolan and Katrin Schumann McClatchy-Tribune

The following is an excerpt from “Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too” by Susan Callahan, Anne, Nolen and Katrin Schumann (copyright 2008). Reprinted with permission from The McGraw-Hill Companies, www.mhprofessional.com.

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MOTHER-GUILT: IT’S JUST A BIG, FAT EXCUSE!

Even though almost anyone can recognize the negative effects of running on empty — and the positive effect of feeling appreciated and centered — lots of mothers out there can’t seem to make downtime a reality. Why? Almost 100 percent of the women we talked to cited two reasons. The first is that they simply don’t believe they have the spare time.

But the second is the real clincher: They feel guilty. According to a 2006 ABC News Poll, 52 percent of mothers say they suffer from parental guilt — mostly because they worry they don’t spend enough time with their kids.

We were amazed by how many women accepted guilt as a fact of life for a parent — they would continue suffering through it, unable to get rid of it. Many of us believe we’ve got to sacrifice ourselves for our children and families or we’re failing at our most important calling, so we are quick to feel guilty for the slightest time-out we might give ourselves. Failure to do something well — especially when related to impressionable, vulnerable, needy kids — always results in guilt. But there’s a more insidious reason we suffer like this, and it’s a tough one to face.

Guilt actually makes us feel better! It’s a way to do what we want and justify it to ourselves. If we at least can feel guilty about having done something selfish, it makes the action itself less bad. Sure, it seems like a contradiction — who wants to feel guilty, you may ask? But let’s be brutally honest: how much guilt do you experience about things that you know are simply not worthy of it? The reason you continue to sneak off and have the occasional lunch with the girls or watch that stupid movie instead of sorting the moving boxes is because you need it. Guilt is one of those emotions that’s often more harmful than the action that caused the guilt in the first place. Wasting time and goodwill allowing guilt to fester about small things is simply destructive. It’s really just an excuse not to change your behavior.

THE QUANDARY OF THE WORKING MOTHER

Often there’s tangible tension between stay-at-home moms and working mothers in this department. Working moms look at those lucky women who get to be with their kids at home with a mixture of jealousy and disdain. They don’t have to go to work — they get to relax at the playground, do some laundry, have coffee with friends and help with homework. Their time is their own! Stay-at-home mothers, on the other hand, feel they need to justify their existence, because it seems like they’re not accomplishing much on a day-to-day basis. To them, working mothers are the fortunate ones, entering the sanctuary of an office full of adults every day, having a reason to dress nicely, and using their brains for something other than finding the missing shoes.

Of course, the reality is that each approach to life — and thereby parenting — has its merits, and the grass-is-greener mentality doesn’t help solve the problem of guilt. We’re all just women trying to do a good job as mothers. Whether we’re employed or not, whether we believe we have “free” time or not, a priority for us as mothers must be finding a way to step away from the mayhem momentarily.

We know that when we are calm and centered, we become better humans. Yet we persist in pushing our needs aside, at great risk to ourselves and our families. The following are only some of the negative consequences of not granting ourselves downtime:

—Physical depletion: We suffer headaches/ backaches/ stomachaches. At the end of a long day, Katrin often develops splitting headaches. She’s learned this is a clear sign to her to look at her schedule and cut her activities in half.

—Loss of mental capacity: Leah, a businesswoman from Massachusetts, told us that when she hasn’t had a moment of peace, she can’t concentrate in her meetings. Even spending only ten minutes a day being alone or in an activity of her choice helps her brain stay sharp.

—Impatience: Who hasn’t felt that swell of irritation at a benign request, or snapped at a child’s guileless mistake? Susan recognized that when she was being snippy with her kids, it was time to give herself a break.

—Strained Relationships: When we’re tired, cranky or argumentative our interactions with family, friends, coworkers, spouses, teachers and our own beloved children — everyone, in other words — suffers!

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For more free tips for busy moms visit www.momstimeouts.com.

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(c) 2008, Susan Callahan, Anne, Nolen and Katrin Schumann.

Reprinted with permission from The McGraw-Hill Companies, www.mhprofessional.com.

Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.