How to bug your kids to death

Posted in Mom Stuff
by besttech

Recently, our school librarian gave my son a copy of the book, “101 Ways to Bug Your Parents.” It was an old copy and she told him he could keep it.

This was really annoying to a parent whose children were already naturally talented in this regard. I was tempted to take that book over to the librarian’s house, and give it to her kids.

This volume has all sorts of fabulous ideas like, “Ask for a big breakfast and then say you’re not hungry.” Or, “Use all the hot water in the shower.” It’s not like children need lessons on this stuff. They do just fine with no instruction at all.

But, occasionally, when my rugrats have been particularly aggravating, I want to exact my own revenge. That’s why I have my own list of things I can do, such as:

DANCING: My kids go into a frenzy of mortification if they see me shake any part of my body to music. It’s even worse, of course, if I dance in public, like at a wedding, but even waltzing around the house sends them into a medical state of shock.

SINGING THE WRONG WORDS TO SONGS: Kids absolutely hate it if you make up your own words to songs they know by heart. The other night, we were watching “The “Brady Bunch” and I started singing the Brady song along with the characters, but doing it wrong on purpose. My son was so upset he almost had to go to bed.

STOP TALKING SUDDENLY WHEN THEY COME INTO THE ROOM: They will think you’re hiding something and it will simply drive them mad, even if you know all you were really talking about was the hairballs spit up by your cat.

PUTTING MY ARM AROUND THEM IN PUBLIC: This is mostly a problem of Cheetah Boy’s, but even Curly Girl at age 10 is starting to act like my arm is a heat-seeking missile if it lands anywhere on her body in public.

HAVING YOUR OWN TANTRUM: Sometimes, Cheetah Boy would sit down on the floor and start screaming when he didn’t want to do a chore. When I was in the mood, I would sit down next to him and start screaming too. This never failed to infuriate him, and amuse me. Sometimes, he would get so mad he would forget what he was yelling about.

COLORING MY HAIR: Before I had kids, I was under the mistaken impression that my hair belonged to me. Now, every time I want to change the color even slightly, my children feel it’s a personal attack on their emotional stability.

GOING BACK TO BED: When my kids are arguing with each other or refusing to follow my instructions, sometimes I just get fed up, go into my bedroom, and silently crawl into bed. It feels delicious, by the way, for the brief time I’m allowed to be in there before the kids are on my bed, begging me to get up and promising to behave better.

REFUSING TO GET OFF THE PHONE: My children have no interest in me whatsoever until someone calls, which is their signal to ask me every question they forgot to ask all day long. Occasionally, though, I will simply refuse to answer them, and they will finally give up and let me talk.

—By Marla Jo Fisher, The Orange County Register

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Marla Jo Fisher was a workaholic before she adopted two foster kids several years ago. Now she juggles work and single parenting, while being exhorted from everywhere to be thinner, smarter, sexier, healthier, more frugal, a better mom, better dressed and a tidier housekeeper. Contact her at mfisher@ocregister.com. Read her blog at http://themomblog.freedomblogging.com/category/frumpy-middleaged-mom-ma rla-jo-fisher/.