Pick your recession birthday gift: a quarter-, third-, or mid-life crisis

Posted in Mom Stuff
by Lorain County Moms

Wondering what kind of birthday gift you’ll get in a recession? You may just unwrap a mid-life crisis.

Or in my case, a little-more-than-a-third-life crisis.

I’ve never dreaded birthdays. In fact, I’ve always enjoyed the fuss and the life experience I could claim from the year gone by. But today, turning 35 — not so much. I find myself taking stock of where my life is and where it is headed. And, I hear this nagging voice in my head on repeat: “Halfway to 70! Halfway to 70!”

“A lot of people in their 30s, 40s and 50s are thinking they are having a mid-life crisis,” said Elaine Wethington, professor of human development and sociology at Cornell University.

Those who study aging and transitions say the vast majority of crises are not prompted by mid-life but by some other life-changing event, like a parent dying or a job loss. When Wethington interviewed people in the 1990s about mid-life crises, she found the majority were optimistic about the future. But those were booming, heady times compared to the present.

Now, we’re bombarded with news of layoffs, banks on the brink, home foreclosures and economic uncertainty. Our sense of security is shaky.

Margie Lachman, chair of the psychology department at Brandeis University, says the striking qualities of this economy — feeling a lack of control over forces larger than us, coupled with uncertainty and unpredictability in own circumstances — are classic triggers for feelings of crisis.

And, decade and mid-decade marks (30, 35, 40, etc.) are common life-course reassessment points.

“Every time you get to a midpoint, it’s a natural thing to reassess where you are, to look back and look to the future,” she said. My mid-point marker just happens to fall in the worst economic times I’ve seen as an adult.

Wethington says we shouldn’t confuse fears of aging with fears of change.

External circumstances can “evoke the feeling that you are at a crossroads,” she said. “You have to make a decision about what you will do in the future.”

For women, the soul-searching, uneasiness can start decades earlier than for a man, perhaps tied up in our biological issues of fertility. Or perhaps because by our mid-30s, early 40s, we’ve gotten to a point where we can see the down the path we’ve chosen or the trade-offs from sacrifices we’ve made in terms of family and career.

What happens to our expectations from our 20s if, years later, a woman suddenly ends up the main breadwinner for her family? Or she realizes she will not be able to bear children? Or she realizes that starting a family has shortchanged her career?

When the boomers started hitting mid-life, many talked optimistically about how they would reinvent themselves, grow spiritually, give back and tackle the world’s problems. I’m not feeling too optimistic about the trillions of dollars in debt we have to dig out from under.

In the weeks approaching this birthday, I spent some time thinking about spiritual growth and a lot more thinking about gravity. I spent a lot of time online reading about nonsurgical cosmetic “enhancements.” I also decided I needed a new wardrobe.

Lachman argues that what we perceive as an age-related crisis actually can turn into a growing experience. Stop assuming the path you’ve planned is the only path; revisit your plans and expectations and find alternatives, she said. Seek social support, rely on friends, network. Get those who love you to remind you of what you’ve accomplished and your blessings.

I suppose she is right. I shouldn’t be thrown off by a period of introspective, personal reinvention and dream adjustment. That process can take awhile.

Today, I’m just eating cake.

—By Aisha Sultan,  St. Louis Post-Dispatch

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(Aisha Sultan is a columnist for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Contact her at asultan@post-dispatch.com.)