Worst cook in America seems to be missing … me

Posted in Mom Stuff
by Melissa Linebrink

A new show recently premiered on the Food Network Channel – “Worst Cooks in America.”

Clearly, my husband, nor I, knew this show was in the works and was looking for contestants several months ago, because he would have been the first person in line at the studio to sign me up.

My name is Melissa Linebrink and I cannot cook.

There, I said it.

I overcook noodles, I burn toasted cheese and I cannot make hard-boiled eggs.

Seth knew about my lack of cooking ability when he proposed to me. And, I don’t think my poor kitchen skills are anything new to him. A few weeks ago he said, “This is your kitchen … Oh, I mean, you are the person IN the kitchen.” What he really should have said was, “Melissa, you only occupy the kitchen when you need to prepare a meal.”

The kitchen, for me, is not a place I feel very comfortable – AT ALL.

One time, when Seth visited me at college, I attempted to make spaghetti in a hot pot. I overcooked the noodles to the point they began to resemble mashed potatoes. We ended up going out.

Failed attempt at using the hot pot.

Recently, I am not sure if it’s due to lack of brain cells regenerating or what, but I have screwed up some major basic meals.

I even bought a sandwich maker to assist me in my sandwich making ability. But when a person puts the buttered-side of bread into the sandwich rather than facing the maker, there is only so much I can blame on the sandwich device ruining the meal. I did that.

Failed attempt at using the sandwich maker.

One year, for Easter, it was someone’s brilliant idea to have “Melissa be in charge of the hard-boiled colored Easter eggs.”

For the record, I believe no one told me the exact cooking time it takes for eggs to boil. I didn’t know I was supposed to boil them for 20 minutes once the water began to boil. I thought I took them out once the water began to boil.

Failed attempt at making hard-boiled eggs blamed on miscommunication.

I don’t know why I am such a horrible cook. When I was a teenager, I would often have to start the dinners while my mom worked. But then again, all I really did was toss some potatoes in the oven and cut up lettuce and toss it into a bowl. You can’t really call that cooking, can you?

And as for following recipes – too many ingredients and steps to follow with three kids hanging onto my legs, telling me they are “starving!”

And the clean-up of a large meal sends me running for the hills.

Yet, somehow, my children have survived having the world’s worst cook for a mother, and Seth has also stayed married to me for nine and a half years.

And, as a gift to my husband for Christmas, I did manage to make baked tilapia in the oven with steamed potatoes and salad (The steamed potatoes were those bagged kind you toss in the microwave for 8 minutes and the salad was also pre-cut and bagged, but the fish was my own recipe!).






  1. Julie Wallace Said,

    Melissa, You sound as if you are competing with me!!!! There still is a story floating around about me trying to make a tuna casserole. See, the directions never said I had to boil the noodles, so I didn’t. That seemed so silly to me — why should I have to cook them twice? But the crunch with each bite made it clear that perhaps I should have.
    I also am shopping challenged. While heading off for a camping trip to Canada, I got the bright idea to go shopping for it. I figured I’d buy some bologna to make sandwiches. Now mind you, this was totally out of my element, and that should have become obvious when the deli clerk asked me if I was sure I wanted 5 pounds of bologna. Of course, I answered.
    Needless to say, I think there were some well fed animals at that campground.
    –Julie Wallace

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