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Russian adoption controversy: Return receipt requested?
By Kristine, Philadelphia Moms Blog
By now you have probably heard about the 7-year-old boy, Artyom Savelyev, who was put on a plane by himself and sent back to Russia.
Artyom was adopted last September from a Russian orphanage by Torry Hansen, a Tennessee woman. Earlier this week, Hansen’s mother put Artyom on a United Airlines flight back to Moscow, with arrangements to have him met when the plane arrived and escorted to the Russian Education and Science Ministry.
According to an Associated Press article, Artyom carried a letter with him that said Hansen was returning him to Russia due to severe psychological problems. The letter claimed that Hansen was lied to and misled by Russian orphanage workers and the orphanage director regarding Artyom’s mental stability, and that Artyom was violent and had severe psychopathic issues. The letter also included the statement, “After giving my best to this child, I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends, and myself, I no longer wish to parent this child.”
I cried when I first read the article, and even now, as I watch the news stories about it on CNN, there is a knot in my stomach that grows bigger with each report. Because, you see, this story hits far too close to home for me and my family.
Our 7-year-old son was adopted from Russia when he was six-months-old. He has psychological and behavioral problems that almost seven years into the adoption we are still trying to figure out. The reality is we probably have yet to touch the surface of what is going on in his mixed up little brain.
It has been a long journey for us. A journey not without rewards certainly, but mostly it has been a frustrating and intensely emotional one. I would be lying if I told you that we have never considered how different our life would be if we had not chosen Russian adoption as the way to start our family.
And as I admit to that, I also sit here and tell you I can only begin to imagine what Torry Hansen must have been going through to do something as extreme as to try to “return” her son. Because what I am piecing together is a story of a child that was psychologically damaged from his time in an institution, and a mother that did not know how to cope and ultimately feared for her own safety. I in no way condone what she did! But sadly I can at least begin to understand how she might have reached that point. Because yes, on our worst days I have daydreamed about putting my son on a plane and sending him back.
Please don’t misunderstand. We love our son with an intensity I can’t begin to describe. And that is one of the reasons I find this story so upsetting; because my son and our family are lucky. My husband and I have been able to find help for him, and for us. And over the last seven years despite days where we felt like we were living in hell, he is our son, and we will do everything in our power to help him.
Fortunately, there are many wonderful stories of Russian adoption. But there are also stories of children who are adopted by well meaning, loving families who have no idea how damaged their child really is, not only from the effects of orphanage life but from the devastating effects of birth mothers that drank alcohol during their pregnancy. Often these families don’t realize until months after they have their new child home just how serious the problems are.
I believe that many families are not properly prepared emotionally when they adopt a child that has spent his life in an institution. Not only are they unprepared for the realities of life when they come home, but they are even more unprepared when they are in Russia and meet a child for the first time; because as horrible and sad as it is to admit, there are children that are so damaged* from institutional life or the poor choices their birth mothers made while pregnant, that they will never be able to be part of a “normal” family.
And none of this takes into account that in the US our mental health system is sadly unprepared for children with serious mental health issues in general. Even when resources are available, often families don’t know they exist, or how to access them. Not to mention that health insurance frequently doesn’t cover such services.
I’m not arguing that Torry Hansen did the right thing. There were so many other avenues she could have taken. I imagine she is going to pay for this the rest of her life, whether legally or just with her own guilt. She will be villainized certainly. And sadly, there is a very good chance that Russia will attempt to use this to their benefit and stop, at least temporarily, US citizens from adopting from Russian orphanages.
And that is the real tragedy of this story. Because despite the problems Artyom may have (and I think in the coming days we will find out they are many), and the problems my son has, there are children in Russian orphanages that are resilient and the damage done to them can be overcome, and they deserve to be part of a loving family. But instead of a story like this helping to change expectations and encourage education and preparation for families adopting, it is more likely going to disrupt adoptions in process and possibly prevent or discourage adoption in the future.
For a poignant and very honest story of adoption and the difficulties a post-institutionalized child can have, I highly recommend reading When Rain Hurts, a blog written by the mother of a boy with serious post-institutional and alcohol related issues.
This is an original post from the Philadelphia Moms Blog, http://www.phillymomsblog.com. Kristine also writes on her personal blog, Mommy Needs Therapy or a Bottle of Wine, where she chronicles the good, the bad, and the crazy of her life as a mother, wife and woman. You can also find her on Twitter as Twitter.com/momneedstherapy.
I highly recommend you read http://www.netreach.net/~steed/portfolio/write/loss.html. Perhaps it’s time to start listening to the now-adult voices of those who have experienced intercountry adoption and realize that adoption loss (and it is indeed a loss — for mother, for child, and even for the adoptive parent, often grieving for the child they cannot biologically have) is, as the Rev. Keith Griffifth MBE says, “the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.” When said victims don’t show gratitude, often the result is what poor Artyom suffered, and sometime worse.
This truly sad story is one in a long line of very sad problems between the U.S. and Russia over adoptions.Many Russians resent that so many of their children end up in other countries at a time when their own Russian population is shrinking. Yet, those Russians hardly adopt children.
The Russian press goes crazy when an orphan is murdered in the US (Chicago) or killed or sold into white slavery. Our press fixates on problem children who are let out for adoption. The sad fact is that many disturbed young children are allowed to be adopted. Another fact, or at least the perception of many, is that the older the orphan is when adopted, the morel likely it is that behavioral problems will exist.
Many people don’t realize that in order for a child of any age to be adopted, it has to be shown to be “defective.” Many of these “defective” medical claims are bogus, as both the orphanage directors and the adoptive parents know. It is a truly complex situation over there.
We were lucky to adopt three wonderful and perfect little Russian siblings in 2004.
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