My kids have a dreaded disease

Posted in Mom Stuff
by Lorain County Moms

By Marla Jo Fisher, The Orange County Register

It’s sad when you have to admit that your children have a disease, and even sadder when you can’t seem to find a cure.

Even though this disease is very common, I have yet to see a telethon, a 5K run-walk, a hospital wing or even a magnetic bumper sticker in support of its sufferers.

This disease is called Closeophobia, and I’m sorry to say my children are both sufferers.

Closeophobia, also known in psychiatric lingo as Shutophobia, is the fear of closing anything they have previously opened.
This disease can be transmitted to anything that the sufferers have touched.

Commonly affected items:

• Kitchen drawers
• Kitchen cabinets
• Bread wrappers
• Cereal boxes
• Milk jugs
• Bedroom drawers
• Closet doors
• Refrigerator doors
• Front doors
• Back doors
• Screen doors
• Bathroom cabinets
• Car back hatches
• CD players

It does not appear to be contagious, but unfortunately scientists have not been able to find a cure or perfect a vaccine.

My doctor said there’s not even a medication for the sufferer that’s effective without serious side effects. Though Valium or Prozac may be effective for the rest of the immediate family.
Applied properly, duct tape can work, but it’s not practical as a long-term fix.

There have been cases reported that have been cured by alert and especially skillful parenting, but I’ve never observed this myself, so I can’t give any advice. Perhaps some wiser and more experienced readers can help me out here.

In our house, Cheetah Boy has the worst case. He can leave a trail of destruction through our house that’s worthy of a FEMA grant. And things seem to have become worse since he became a teenager this year.

One useful aspect to this affliction is that I always know where Cheetah Boy has been immediately before the outbreak. For example, I know when my son has raided my sock drawer, because it’s left hanging open, with miscellaneous knitted footwear draped creatively over the front.

Curly Girl has a better time of it, though she tends to have outbreaks on mornings when she’s trying to hurry to school.
They haven’t located the exact spot on the gene sequence where this hereditary disease is located, but it appears to be related to Spacecadetitus, the same illness that causes kids to leave wet towels strewn around the house and throw cutlery in the trash.

While they don’t have a cure, I have come up with several stress management techniques for parents that I use around my own house, to greater or lesser effect:

• Shouting “Were you born in a barn? Come and close this right now”
• Waking the sufferer up in the middle of the night to put away food left open at bedtime
• Refusing to leave the house for events until all containers have been closed
• One glass of red wine, taken as needed. Shot of tequila can be substituted as necessary.

Marla Jo Fisher was a workaholic before she adopted two foster kids several years ago. Now she juggles work and single parenting, while being exhorted from everywhere to be thinner, smarter, sexier, healthier, more frugal, a better mom, better dressed and a tidier housekeeper. Contact her at mfisher@ocregister.com. Read her blog at  http://themomblog.freedomblogging.com/category/frumpy-middleaged-mom-ma rla-jo-fisher/.