Connecting quickly with long-distance family members

Posted in Mom Stuff
by Lorain County Moms

By Priscilla J. Dunstan, McClatchy-Tribune

I have 20 nieces and nephews, and that’s not even counting the children of my half-brother and sister!

Since I live overseas, it’s important that I make a meaningful connection with them quickly, as we don’t have much time together. With such a large family, it’s impractical to buy expensive gifts for everyone, and nearly impossible to remember every detail about their lives since last we met. But, I do know the dominant sense of each of my nieces and nephews. Using this information has really helped to create bonding experiences that hopefully will transcend the ocean between us.

With my tactile nieces and nephews, I go to the park, or do some sort of physical activity. We have a tradition of playing cricket after Christmas lunch, so I might give one of these children a cricket ball, one a bat, one some wickets, one a pair of pads. Then we all go out and play together. Another year, we planned a special outing to the beach — not as odd as it might sound, as Christmas Day in Australia is typically 80 degrees and sunny! The tactile children all got boogie boards, and we had a competition on who could catch the most waves.

My taste and smell nieces and nephews respond best to one-on-one time. I usually try to grab a few boxes of beads, or another crafty-type project, so we can make something together, that they will keep.

Going out for afternoon tea is something even the taste and smell boys like to do, if it’s intended to be special “just the two of us” trip.

If there isn’t as much time, I tend to do a special tea at their place using their toy tea cups.

My auditory nieces and nephews are generally pretty easy. They like talking on the phone and are more than willing to tell me all about their interests. A good conversation goes a long way with these kids; especially if you ask lots of specific questions that they are able to answer. (“What’s the name of your soccer team, and what color are your uniforms?” — avoid the yes/no question like “Do you play soccer?”) I always try to take the time to sit and spend at least an hour having a conversation, individually. Being around at bedtime is good too, as it gives me a chance to read them a bedtime story, which I tape so they can listen to it again.

My visual nieces and nephews can start by being a little standoffish.

I’m not visually familiar — they don’t see me very often, and I don’t look the same as their other aunts (there are large age gaps between the siblings in my family.) I make sure that I get the visual children a landmark figure of where I live, or where I have been, as well as a picture book. On my last trip home to Australia, I brought a figure of the Empire State Building, with a picture book of New York City. The gifts gave us a “visual” way to break the ice. Next, I asked to see their room, and I commented on what I saw there: a row of fire engines, a Barbie doll house, etc.

Knowing the senses helps with my own little relatives because it allows me to talk to them directly, based on their dominant sense. I can — ahead of time — prepare for what will connect with them quickly and effectively. I don’t have time for trial and error, and it could be a year before I see them again, so I want to make sure I connect and make them feel loved and understood. They will be adults before we know it and I would like to have a relationship with them into adulthood. By using the senses, I hope to connect with them in a meaningful way, one that will outlast my time away from them.

Priscilla J. Dunstan is a child and parenting behavior expert and consultant and the author of “Child Sense.” Learn more about Priscilla and her parenting discoveries at www.childsense.com.